Monday, December 13, 2010

Sadistic humor

A sadist and a masochist hook up.
The masochist yells "Hurt me Hurt me!"
The sadist says "No."

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Semi-automatic bathrooms

This is a term I made up one day while at a Wawa, and though fairly kick-ass sounding, "Semiautomatic bathroom" has nothing to do with any form of artillery.

   Technology is constantly advancing, evolving, and doing more things that we've become tired of doing. So as we kindly bend over for our robot overlord's inevitable coup of our existence, the human race has become a bit lazy. Lazy enough it seems that we leave projects half finished in hopes that our currently infantile mecha-slave drivers will do it for us. (Insert picture of C3-P0 in a diaper here)
The specific project I'm referring to in this case is the installation of automated bathroom facilities such as self-flushing toilets, and sinks that turn on at the wave a hand.

   I've no issue with these advancements, except for the hand dryers. Automated or not those things suck at their jobs and never get your hands completely dry. The issue I have is that whoever is installing them always stops just shy of a full deck. I spend a lot of times in Bathrooms so I've had much time to notice the many nuances and differences to them, ranging from a Hilton hotel to a Port-a-potty outside a football stadium. One things they all have in common is their lack of complete conversion, Like hoe the Borg are all connected in their... Borgyness, but all still have areas of skin still unchanged.
(need a picture of a Borg here, too lazy to think of a caption for it)
My latest experience was last Saturday,  I stopped at a 7-11 to take care of some business. As I stood up from the comode I was caught off guard when it flushed itself. How I managed to miss that glowing red sensor astounds me. I always feel that something is looking at me through that glowing eye....
(picture of H.A.L. 9000)
As I exited the stall I went to the sink, and took an entire 10 seconds to get the damn thing working. Automated sinks always seem to be a bit more blind than the toilets. once I had the sink working I needed soap, which was spit into my hand by a small nub to my left. It seems that soap and water can't distributed simultaneously as the water shut off and took a full 20 seconds to get working. well now my hands were clean, but wet. So I went to look for the automatic hand dryer that's so popular right now. I quickly found there wasn't one. But there was one of those older paper towel dispensers with the brown paper, which surprisingly enough took less time to operate than the sink.
With my business concluded I exited the room. Hearing a small noise I turned and right before the door closed I saw the toilet's sensor staring at me... It knows.

A was Muppet once said "Do or do not do, there is no "Try".
(Picture of Yoda)
So why is it that when someone decides to make the bathroom automated they don't do it right? Or even half assed. Installing sensors throughout the place and the paper towel dispenser is still the easiest and fastest appliance. If anyone besides me noticed then why do we still have all the automatic sensors, when they don't make things better?
I blame the toilet. It's obviously the brains of the operation.
(picture of toilet sensor)

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Words I hate. Part 2

Ok. seems I got some good reactions from part 1 so here's part 2

1. "Kill"
I shit you not I heard a girl say this no more than 5 minutes before I logged in to type this. o clue what it actually means but from her tone I can presume she was using it to express disappointment at Dunkin' Donuts. I think it was a replacement for the idea that something was being overdone, or going into "overkill". possibly her patience.
EX. "Ya'll got cheese fries?"
"No? Guh! Kiiiillll."

2. "Swagg."
Before I continue with this I must first say FUCK SOULJA BOY. and for anyone who hasn't heard it, go listen to "pretty boy swagg" It'll help you understand my rage. Matterfact...

Moving on, Swagg is short for swagger, which isn't so bad, except that it's used in sentences as a noun.
Ex. "I got my swagg on."

3. "Go hard in the motherfuckin' paint"
What the bluberry fuckmuffins does this retarded bullshit mean!? I refuse to guess at the meaning due to the intense anger I feel at EVERYONE around me using it, in that exact phrasing. Here's the source for it

I think I hate rap now. Gonna go build a time machine and go back to the 80's, where rap being stupidly goofy was ok because everything was stupidly goofy.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Words I hate. part 1.

Ok. No matter where you go there is going to be some form of local dialect or slang terms, correct? Yeah.
Well I live in the DMV, which is what locals will call the combination of DC, Maryland, and Virginia. Our train system connects all three areas. I dunno why. Silly metro.
Anyway we have some words and phrases here that I sincerely cannot stand. Starting with;

1. Guh.
I hate "Guh". It isn't a word so much as a verbal announcement of frustration. Usually used to convey to someone that you are indeed angry.
EX; "You stupid guy! You make me so....GUH!
I have no problem with making up words, ya won't find half my vocabulary in Webster's. But "Guh" is being used by an entire generation in place of actual words. They don't even learn the words they're replacing!

2. Wholetime
"Wholetime", from what I've been able to figure out, is a substitute for "meanwhile" that isn't quite synonymous.
EX. "Yo so I went to meet her at Foggy Bottom, Wholetime bitch was at Rockville. Now I'm Guh."
The problem I have with "Wholetime" is that it's multifunctional. I have a friend of mine who once in the same sentence used "wholetime" to signify that something other than expected had happened, as well as that she wanted me to pause. Say it out loud, you'll hear it.

3. "Fucked up part was"
Butter me backwards I HATE this phrase! It is never used to describe something worse than mildly inconvenient. It's always used to wrap up some long explanation, but ends up making it longer.
EX. "Yo so I got back on the train to meet her at Rockville, which takes like, an hour and a half to get there, and I should have left her there but whatever. I get there and everything's good till I call her cell. and find she went up the street to Mcdonalds and is walkin' back now. Fucked up part is she ain't get me nothin'.

O how I hate these words. And occasionally the people that use them.

Monday, October 11, 2010

My to-do list part 1

So I came up with this list of things I'd like to do.. let me know what you think of it. And remember that this is only part 1.

1. Find out if Hannah Montana does indeed have a perfume named "Teen Spirit"
2. If yes to the above, Kill Hannah Montana. Quickly. She does not deserve torture.
3. Start a magazine.
4. Update my Blog, Youtube, Facebook, once a week. (at least)
5. Develop Cancer. Then kill it. Become the cure for Cancer.
6. Kill and Eat at least 15 species of animal (aside from Human) that could easily do the same to me.
7. Acquire a pure silver spoon. Butt-fuck Paris Hilton with it. Take pics.
8. Record an album where all the songs have stupid long, but meaningful (if not silly) titles. For example "I dunno what that thing is, but I can make a bong out of it."
9. Have a hairstyle named after me.
10. Write a book on how I see the world.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

An apology to my fans

Ok so there are people following me and I haven't exactly been returning the favor like I'm supposed to. Wanna apologize about that but I'm not on a computer that often, so tend to reply to people that comment and leave the rest. I should have some more free time coming up on friday's though so maybe I'll make that my "Following day".

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Someone's gonna die for this.

So someone stole my scooter last night. I had it sitting in front of the front door to the apartment complex while I stayed inside and charged the battery, and someone stole it.
I think.
The towing company the rental office uses hasn't answered the phone yet so I don't know if they towed it yet.
It's my fault that I didn't put the chain on it, knowing that I'm the 'Hood, but I didn't think it would disapear without someone else having the keys. I've still got the battery too so it's pretty much a hunk of metal on wheels. Fuck.
It's not even my scooter, I'm borrowing it from my stepmother. And I still haven't told her about this. I'm trying to get it all fixed so I won't have too.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

New job

OMG I love my new job!
My first day was yesterday and the place is AMAZING!
I'm lifeguarding at Kenwood Golf and country club's indoor pool, which almost no one comes to all day. Everyone that does come there is a strong swimmer so I don't have to do much.
The bathrooms! They have Razors and shaving foams and bodywash ad pretty much anything else a guy needs. I haven't seen the women's bathroom.... I need a female to check that out.
He gave me a can of fix-a-flat to get myself home! And told me to take whatever time I needed to get it fixed, ON MY FIRST DAY!
Lovely new job!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

What is this?

Ok so I signed up for this site and I wanted some help with researching it. For once I didn't look before I leapt.

Friday, September 10, 2010


Ok this blog of mine sucks, I barely have anything yet and nothing worthwhile.... so here's one of my videos from youtube. I'd started a show a while back but due to hardware problems I've had to postpone production.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

First post

So... I've started this thing but I don't have anything to talk about just yet....So I guess I'll post again when I've got something to say.

Weird dream

Ok so I woke up this morning yelling "You answer me when I say something!"
Seems that in my dream I was some sort of drill seargent.... wish I could remember more but the memory faded kinda fast before I could get on the internet.